Friday, November 17, 2017

Getting it together


I just had my annual appraisal with my Division Head (DH) a week ago and while there wasn't any big issues, I've been told that this year, it seems like I was on a 'sleeping mode' Meaning, the things and tasks that I have promised my DH to complete is not completed yet. The new course that I was asked to develop from scratch hasn't seen much of a light yet and there's also the revamp of the course that I am currently handling...almost complete but definitely already passed the deadline. Although there are still so many pending tasks to finish, I do think I've been quite diligent with conducting all my classes and lessons in this semester and I really try to channel myself into being a positive person to my students, just so that they won't feel discouraged with their assignments. At least, that's something that I have been doing despite being a bad procrastinator.

I do feel disappointed in myself to be honest because I really don't like not being able to complete all these important tasks but I am aware and understand that it has been a challenging year for me and because of this, it kind of makes me lose my focus. All I do most of the time is to have self-pity and dwell with my sadness to the point that I could cry for days. It is just so bad for my mental health. This also led me to look at my own friends and made me wonder how could they still keep their head up and most importantly stay in good focus even though a whole lot of shit storm just came over them? How did they overcome it? Or how can they hide their sadness so well? Is it because I have so little faith in myself? (I think so), is it because I've not prayed enough? I don't know. The hardest part to deal with myself is definitely my own emotion and it  really has been an issue that I've blogged about for so many times. Yet, I have not overcome it at all *sigh* 

Earlier this year, my best friend and I were also planning to do a calendar project which I was so keen to start since I have more time after finishing my studies. We discussed, planned and finalised our ideas but alas I had to break the news to her earlier this month and informed her that I wasn't able to complete this project in due time. Again, I was super disappointed in myself for letting people down. I even promised to revive this blog but ended up not doing it.  I just don't know what to do when I felt so disheartened by so many things this year. But I know for sure that I can't continue to be like this until the end of the year cos I would probably be more depressed when Christmas is here. So, I really need to get it together like for real. If I still can't be done dealing with my emotions, at least I have to put my focus on my work and all the important tasks that needs to be completed soon. Praying that I can do it (I know I can) and work on to better myself before the year ends. The emotional turbulence part will be another story for another day. I think it's gonna be a real long story to tell haha. Anyway, LET'S GET IT! 

Thursday, November 02, 2017

The year after

One year ago when I finally received my MA certificate and it also officially marks the end of my two grueling years of studies haha. I know I haven't talk or post much about this, but looking back to where I am at now, I think I do deserve a good pat at the back for going through this. Definitely wasn't an easy journey...writing and research was a pain but at the same time, it was also a good experience to be able to research on a topic that I never really thought of in the first place. My tutor for my final Major Project has been really helpful and patient with me in terms of guiding and pushing me to go further with my project. I totally owe this  to him and very much thankful for all his guidance.  The end result that I received was a 'Commendation' which basically is equivalent to a B. It was already considered a good achievement for me. I hope that I will always continue to learn, to get myself educated in more different fields or aspects as I believe that if you have a chance for education, why not go for it right? So yes to forever learning and forever a student. Thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity to check off something from my bucketlist.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Envy vs Gratitute

 Today's gospel reading: Mt 20: 1-6
Can you sincerely rejoice and be filled with much gratitude at the success of others?  Can you sincerely be grateful to God when others are blessed with the unexpected and unwarranted generosity of others?  If this is a struggle, then at least thank God that you are made aware of this.  Envy is a sin, and it’s a sin that leaves us dissatisfied and sad.  You should be grateful you see it because that is the first step in overcoming it.
Lord, I do sin and I honestly admit I have some envy in my heart.  Thank you for helping me to see this and help me to now surrender that over.  Please replace it with a sincere gratitude for the abundant grace and mercy You bestow on others.  Jesus, I trust in You.
(Taken from mycatholic.life)
Envy is also one of the biggest thing that I want to defeat, sometimes I can be okay and not feel envious on people and things, but there also also times when this envious feeling can just seep right into me and make me turn green. So much self-reflections have been done in the past months, I wish/hope I will be better on this.

Monday, August 07, 2017

Pope's Intention (August)


Out of all the things that I am capable to do, I *think* the most capable thing that I know I can excel in, is art. Although I doubt myself over and over again and even up until now, I have tried, strived and wanted to be the best but unfortunately that didn't happen lol. Last month I helped to design this signage for the COD St. Thomas More Family Day booth. I envisioned the signage to be 'chalkboard inspired' and was really hoping that I could produce the good outcome on it. Well, turns out...it was just not how I wanted it to be. First, I didn't realised that I spelt the word 'gourmet' with an extra 'N' until one COD member pointed it out in the group chat. I remembered I had to attend a briefing at work and did not manage to check my phone 2 hours later. When I finally realised it, I was like 'Oh DAMN.' It's not a major thing to be honest but then I don't know why it affected me so much that I ended up blaming the mistakes to myself. Plus, let's talk about the lettering on the signage as well. Obviously, I was writing the drink menu OUT of the baseline which resulted an obvious inconsistency on the text. I was told how the other stalls had really nice signages (because it was done from computer so of course it would be nicer) and then...there was my signage. Painstakingly hand drawn at the 11th hour and was displayed with its full glory during the Family Day. I know nobody complained about it or say anything bad about it but...it is just me being too hard on myself. Having too much demand in myself but failed to achieve it. 

I think that's how the art people can be. No matter how much time and effort you put into producing your artworks, you can still be unsatisfied about it. One of the evil reason being: comparing yourself to others. I don't even know how to get through this most of the time. It's like the minute someone is telling me how great their artwork is, I ended up questioning about my own artwork. Is it good enough? Has my watercolour skills improved or has my lettering skills are up to par after putting a lot of time to practice? All these overthinking and 'being hard on myself' is truly something that I battle most of the time especially when it comes to my own artistic skills. It's funny that I teach art+design for a living and yet I still feel very underachieved in so many aspects in my life lol.

The point that I am saying is that a lot of times when I go through this 'artistic-block' I tend to forget immediately on the sole purpose on why I was doing this in the first place. Last week, I was requested to design a banner for the Pope's Prayer Intention to put it on a Church's website. It was so apt that this month, the Pope's prayer intention is directly towards artists and it was definitely something that I needed when I am currently in this situation.

“This world in which we live needs beauty in order not to sink into despair. It is beauty, like truth, which brings joy to the human heart and is that precious fruit which resists the wear and tear of time, which unites generations and makes them share things in admiration.”

“Architects and painters, sculptors and musicians, filmmakers and writers, photographers and poets, artists of every discipline, are called to make beauty shine, especially where darkness and greyness dominate everyday life; they are custodians of beauty, heralds and witnesses of hope for humanity, as my predecessors have repeated many times.”

They say that every Christian is called to be an instrument of God. No matter what our role is, big or small...we have been gifted with skills and talents to use and glorify it back to God. The problem with me is that I neglect this very reason and probably never truly appreciate this beautiful gift and blessing. So thank you Pope Francis for this wonderful reminder yet again and also to assure that the things that I do will always be glorified back to God. I know I am never gonna be as great as Michelangelo and make beauty shine throughout the Sistine Chapel but I hope I am able to understand that through my little effort in making/creating art, it will eventually make all things beautiful and also bring joy to the human heart. As for that coffee signage, although it is not appealing as it looks like, I will try to be better again.

P/S: I might fall back to having insecurities with my art skill again from time to time. Please do bear with me hahahah. I am trying hard to work on myself :)

P/P/S: Wow, finally an update!

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Mother


Mother's Day can be something that is wonderful and yet, it can also be something that is very emotional or painful for some people. Now that social media has literally taken over the world, everyone seems to want their feelings to be known whether is is happy, sad, angry, disappointed, excited...etc. It is good in a way, at least you would know how your friend is doing when you don't get to see them in a while but sometimes it can also be a little too much? Especially when they find the need to always vent out their feelings first on social media instead of dealing it personally...but then, it is after all their own choice to do what they want on their own social media platforms. On events such as Mother's Day, I feel like I have to be cautious in what I post in order not to offend anyone, especially my friends who have lost their mothers, who have never experienced having a mother on their side before or those who are single parents. Today, I'm praying that although you might continue to experience the hurt and pain, I ask that may God's grace will give you hope. Hope to see the light through your darkness no matter how long it takes. It's hard for me to understand because I have never been in their shoes before so the least I can do is to offer a prayer and hopefully it can help someway or another. Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mothers out there and also to my mom, thanks for everything. May the intercession of Mary continue to guide all of you always.