I know this song was sang in tribute for Whitney Houston, but this totally suits the mood that I am feeling at this moment :)
The moment when I reached home looking at the coffin for the first time, I did not even shed a tear. I guess I was still too dumbfounded over everything because the news came to me in such a surprise. I stood there, staring at the late Abang Andrew's body and then stared at everyone that was in the house...trying to absorb the entire situation. I still felt it was just so surreal. It was during the time when I sat inside the church, witnessing the funeral progression that all the feelings that I've been keeping inside suddenly burst out. Just like the song above, it says "you'll find a point when you will exhale." So I exhaled.
A year ago I wrote that by the time I go back for Christmas, I won't be able to greet and say hi to him anymore. And honestly, I really felt the emptiness when I was hanging out next door. From time to time, I can't help to just glance over the dining table like how I'd normally used to, just to see if he was there. Sometimes I look at the green plastic chair outside and wondered if he was there sitting and watching everyone at home. Like I've said, I don't know how it feels to lose a parent. I don't know what goes through my cousins' mind, how they felt, how they handled everything or how they *tried* to move on. I will never understand that until I experience it on my own. But I do felt the emptiness, like there's always something missing everytime I'm at next door.
One year has passed and although I am not able to make it for the anniversary prayers this year, I hope that you are always watching us from above. I pray that my cousins will always stay strong and will be showered by God's grace everyday. Let them always remember all the things that made them who they are today. Amen.
Last year's post here.
Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning — Psalm 30:5