Tuesday, November 20, 2012

On and on

Lately, my feelings had been going on a major roller coaster ride...it's like I'll be happy today and then the next day I'll be sad and depressed. The cycle goes on and on. I don't know why I am constantly in this never ending battle of having self-doubt, low self-esteem issue...I just REALLY want it to go away. Maybe it's because I'll be turning another year older soon and it made me re-evaluate my life again to see what have I been doing in for the past year or probably because I've put way too many expectations for myself to the extend that I always over think, over analyse and take what people say to me seriously. It seems like everyday I always put a certain expectations toward myself and it's really not a healthy habit to live to be honest. I expect my students to produce good works but then I know not everyone will be able to do that, I expect myself to write better in my blog but I ended up writing about fangirling stuff, I expect people to give me compliments but they ended up giving it to someone else, I expect to improve myself in drawing and designing but I ended up still producing 'meh' works, I expect to achieve something successful but yet I still have nothing to be proud of, I expect myself to always be there for my family and friends but I ended up not being able to do so...man, I could go on and on with this.

The reality is, I KNOW that I shouldn't give a hoot on all these because the more I set these expectations in my head, the more insecure I get. Plus, I also know that these are basically minor things that I don't need to worry about and learn to be thankful for what I have at the moment. I just feel it's so effing hard to instil this positive mindset into my head no matter how many times I tried, I'd still end up  being pulled down into that 'black' zone. I envy those who can always stay optimistic every single day and always find sunshine through rainy days. Why can't I be like that??? I told my cousin recently that I think that looking at the surroundings and the people that I'm around with probably influenced me to have too many expectations in myself. That just sucks man. Anyway, I'm writing this out not to ask for any pity or anything, I bet my close friends and cousins are sick of hearing about my insecurities in life...but, I am still glad that they are still willing to hear me out. I really don't know when will be the time when I finally can 'love' myself more and I am worried that I might have to go and see a psychiatrist if I can't overcome this *yikes* I just have to try harder to be more content with life...and if I still find myself being pulled down, I still have to try and try again. I just NEED to focus on getting everything sorted out before my head get clogged with all these crazy nonsense. 

I somehow think that we all deserve to permit ourselves to have that moment where we will get sad or depressed when life decided to give you a hard time but we can't always stay depressed all the time right? There are always better days ahead and I reallyx1000 need to remind myself about this. Sorry for going into this emo mode again, I don't even know why I've been having this rollercoaster feelings at the first place. 

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