Thursday, February 28, 2013

Of lent, being mad and feeling guilty

Last weekend while I was out having lunch with my friend, I was ranting out on how pissed I was over things that had happened on last Friday. I was pissed over things like receiving a text message with a negative response (although I knew it was meant in a joking way) and also when I witnessed two separate fights among my students during my Letterform class. At the end of the day I was like "Dafuq is wrong with everyone today???" I came home from work without feeling at 'peace' with myself hence the reason of me ranting out on all those things. But the moment I finished my rants, I instantly felt guilty about it. Then I decided not to talk about it anymore. Similar thing happened when I was in Tawau when my mom called me at almost midnight to go home while I was still out with my friends. I was 'sort of' on the verge of arguing with her on the phone because I couldn't accept the fact that I have a curfew when I am already close to being 30. But I felt guilty in an instant once I reached home after seeing the evil stare that my mother gave me haha. Well, she was okay the next day when I got a call from her while I was enjoying myself in Mabul Island.

Have you ever felt like that? When you're so mad over something but felt guilty about acting so right after? I think the reason why I got so guilty in an instant is because I realised it is now Lent season and I shouldn't be pissed or angry over little things but instead try my best to calm the sh*t down because I know that being pissed over things won't even get me anywhere, it'll probably add up my rage instead. Speaking of being guilty, these days I also felt guilty on not practicing lent properly. I've said it before that I may not be the best catholic because I'm human and make mistakes all the time but I want to be or try to be that person who won't lose my faith in what I believe, so that's why I wanted that me & God relationship get what I mean? I realised that I haven't exactly been praying, I mean really spend the time by myself and pray. Last week in Mass, the priest was saying that there's no such thing as praying on the go. When we pray, we make the effort to have that quiet time with God and put our heart focused on Him. When I heard that, I was like, "Oh crap," I admit I have been doing the praying on the go thing for a while and that made me feel guilty. That's probably the reason why my prayers haven't been answered just yet heh. 

If I said I am constantly busy, I personally don't think that's a legit excuse to neglect my praying time but then again I can just find any possible reasons because I procrastinate a lot and I rather be a couch potato than do anything at home (true story). With only one more month to go before Good Friday, I think I really gotta *try* my best in practicing lent. Less anger, give more and of course really spend THE time to pray. Sorry, if this post seems so...random and kinda jumbled up here and there. I think my emotions have been going on a roller coaster ride again after the CNY holidays and because of that, I've been neglecting Lent season and didn't truly spend my time to pray. Anyway,  I know God's a forgiving person, so I am gonna try and make it up to Him. Wish me luck though.

1 comment:

Ivan Ho said...

haha. because someone gave your mom stress vibe. Eventually everything is arranged beautifully. On that scene I cant just leave my friends & do my own things because im the one who live with community hahaha. Actually ah chan keep asking me to supper but i just want to stay in the group longer but he dint know what im thinking... It's good. Good to remind people it is lent season now... good reminder.