Friday, May 31, 2013

Stop and smell the roses

The month of May has been nothing but a whirlwind of craziness due to the fact that I was so busy with work, no kidding. Felt like I've been working non-stop the entire month juggling with classes, doing tons of paperwork, dealing with people from other department, helping out in the Design Week event and...it just never stops from there. Then there's some wedding stuff that I was assigned to do (only a minor role) but still it feels kinda major to me. This is also part of the reason why I really can't find the time to update anything here for a while. The amount of rest that I get in a day is...not so much BUT I'm not gonna complain much because this is something that I needed to do and I believe that I do work hard and hustle all day, err day haha. Well, at least I like to think so :P The problem with being too busy is that sometimes I felt like I am neglecting all my surroundings. Like as much as I think about my family and close friends everyday, I never really call or text to see how they are doing since my mind is all clogged up with the endless tasks that I need to complete at work. Even when I am lying in bed, my mind would always lead me to think about the stuff that I need to do the next day. Worst of all, I haven't been giving myself a chance to you know, sit and pray. I've been doing this praying-on-the-go thing which I felt kinda guilty about. 

A few days ago, I received a news that my good friend's dad has passed away. I was unsure about it at first because I saw him posting a photo in instagram after midnight and was wondering whether it was for real or not. I only got the confirmation the next day whilst still busy helping out with the Design Week event that my colleagues and I are organising. In that moment, everything just froze and I was having the exact feeling when my cousin Merl called to inform me that his dad has passed away. It was such an unexpected news that got me questioning myself "Why? Why so fast?" My heart wasn't at ease the whole afternoon...I thought about my friend from time to time, wondering if he's okay since I couldn't contact him at that time. Like I said, the feeling was the exact feeling that I  felt when I knew Abang Andrew had passed away. Too stunned to move and everything felt surreal. I managed to pay my last respect to my friend's dad and also to see how was he holding up at night, despite being super exhausted from work. I know I can't really comfort people and at hard times like this I honestly have no idea what to do but I just wanted to be there and to make sure I'd still see my friend.

I've said it before that I honestly don't know the feeling of losing your own parents/siblings because I have never experience it. I don't know how exactly what was going through my friend's mind and I really do not know how will he cope with all this because he lost his mother about 7 years ago and now, he lost his dad. Just like my cousins, I wished that I could tell them all the words of comfort but I don't think I can. I kept telling myself that I could offer them prayers but I don't know whether it is enough and I still don't understand why exactly God wanted to take away these important people from them this fast. On the way home from visiting my friend, I was thinking inside the car that if this happen to me, if *touchword* both my parents are not here anymore, I seriously don't know what to do. I don't know if my brother and I can even survive. Kinda scary to think about it but yeah...you never know what's gonna happen right? One day you are on your normal routine life, then the next day BAM, something unexpected just slams into your face. This is part of the reasons why I want to go home whenever I have the chance to and try to spend as much time I can with my family when I'm home. I think I sort of have a 'revelation' or maybe I just grew up and understand that I can't be selfish and only think about myself anymore. The thing is, if my parents are not in this world anymore (again touchword), I don't want to have regrets of not being there for them. I guess there was a reason why I did not ended up staying in NZ right after I graduated. I badly wanted to stay but life decided to take a different turn.

I know that even now, I am still away from my family and I am not able to see them everyday but at least I know that I am in the same country and timezone with them and they are also one call away. I don't know if I'm making a point here but all I am saying is, if you have the chance to spend more time with your family, please do so...cos you never know what's gonna happen next. Even if we're too busy with our own lives, working our asses to achieve the things that we want, we gotta stop and smell the roses too at times. As for my friend and cousins, I know that they can stay strong and I know that they can take care of themselves but if they need to grief, they should. If they need to cry, they should too. Just know that even if I can't offer much, but you can just call my name and I'll be there...yes cheesy as it sounds, I am gonna be there. Stay strong Ken! Cos I know you are and remember to always be there for your sister as she is your one and only sibling and family that you have now. Take care and may God bless the both of you always. Your parents are in a good place now and they are always watching you from above. Hugs!

On the other note:
-This month of May has been filled with tons of random emotions. I am guessing it's because of me being stress over work and some other stuff. One time I can feel really homesick, then I am happy, then I felt angry...man, my feelings are going on a roller coaster ride again.

-Learned a few things, took advices from my senior colleague and also my friend. Gotta give myself more credit and step up my game in order to be a much more better person.

-I put too much pressure on myself which resulted that I wasn't able to update this blog regularly because I will feel that whatever I write down here might be a bunch of bull. Hate this feeling *sigh*

Here's to another brand new month.


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