Thursday, December 12, 2013

Honestly, December

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So...December is finally here. The last month of the year and also a month where I have 3908295 things to do in so LITTLE time. It has been like this eversince I started my work in this college. It stresses me out a lot cos the fact that I've to complete all the tasks and keep up with the deadlines. Plus, there's the Christmas shopping for families and friends that I have to do. It's been a real challenge to me to get gifts at this moment since I am on budget constrain at the moment...but, it's the holiday season and I just can't find the reason not to do Christmas shopping for my fam back home.

Anyway since it is also the month of Advent, I think I should take a time to put aside my work-related stress for a while and just sit, breathe and review on all the things that had happened in this year. I know that a lot of us might review all the achievements/success that we've done in a year, just to see how far have we worked hard to achieve what we want. Sometimes, I felt like I just don't wanna know how many achievements that I managed to fulfill every year cos to be real honest, there wasn't that much...really. I dunno, I felt like whenever my friends talked about how many houses they have bought, the new car that they currently own...etc, it just felt like a big competition among each other. I remembered I once told my mum that working in KL can be a big pressure to me because everyone seems like wanting to have this, to buy this, to own this and here I am, still left with nothing...yet. My mum told me to take one step at a time...eventually if I want to achieve something, I will get it but it doesn't mean that while everyone have/own things now I should follow their footsteps too. Well, she has a good point on that. I guess my time will come? Maybe not now but soon. I just gotta keep in mind to continue to  work hard and not let all these pressure get into me. I am sure God has a greater plan....I just don't know what but I just gotta believe.

To me, this year has been like a year for me to do a lot of 'self-reflect', learning about self-love and self-acceptance, and basically learn not to be worried on how people will look/think of me in every way. I know....for the gazillion time I've been dealing with my own self-esteem in the longest time and over and over again, I think God gave me so many crazy tests just to see if I finally can realise how believing and loving myself is so much more important. I've been through another 'friendship' test this year where I got hit like an atomic bomb for the second time and boy, it freaking hurts so much that I really thought that I am THE worst person ever and I just don't deserve this kind of friendship lol. I never wrote about this in my blog because, it was just hard for me to put into words on how I felt exactly and that's why my emotions went on another roller-coaster ride again. Writing this now and thinking about all the things that I felt at that time seems a little lame but I kinda understand now the reason on why this happened. It's definitely a valuable lesson to me although I have to go through the hurt and craziness but...it's alright. I've no hard feelings. I mean things seem so different now but I think it is for the better. So many things to look forward to that I can't let this thing to bring me down cos you know what they say, "When life gives you lemon, make lemonade" Well, I think this quote is relatable in a way lol.

I might not be the prettiest person, I might not be as talented as others, I might not be able to write beautiful words, I might not have everything yet but I know that God's love is greater than anyone else and that is all that matters. Will need to constantly keep this in mind. I will eventually face a lot more test/challenges from God again and again...it might be something very magical or it might turn out to be something hurtful. I don't know yet but I will still have to go through it so that there's something valuable to learn at the end of the day. I think one of the key is to always look forward and have faith in what God has to offer.

It kinda freaks me out how 2013 flies so damn quick. I don't even know if it's a good thing or not. To me, this year will be my last year being in the 20's and it's not exactly something that I am very excited about BUT...there is no way we could turn back time. Maybe entering the big THREE-OH next year will bring something greater? I still am not sure. All I gotta say is that whatever things/events that had already happened this year, it's an experience and lesson to me. Try not to have too much regrets as well.

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