Wednesday, May 07, 2014

So the thing is...

Seriously, how can time freaking fly so damn fast and we're now entering the month of May! How crazy is that? A new semester has just started in the college and I for sure wasn't even fully prepared to embrace the brand new semester. I guess it was because I was working my ass off during the semester break trying to juggle A LOT of things at the same time, worrying SO MANY things every single day (yes, I am not kidding) that my head felt like it was gonna burst anytime soon. The 'student competition' that I've been talking on and on about has been a really challenging task for me because the fact that I was assigned to lead this thing when my leadership skill is nowhere near to 10. I thought I could handle it well but every time I've completed a certain task, there are definitely those little tiny details that I tend to forget even when I've already written it in my moleskine. I got a little scared, to be honest every time when my HOD came and told me that I've missed out several things to do for this project. It really does stresses me out because I just felt like how can I not do my work properly? How can I always tend to make these little minor mistakes every single time? I've always told myself that I am capable to work under pressure, that I can always complete my task but this time around I personally felt it was kinda hard...maybe because I was dealing with a real client and it was sort of my first time having to lead a project. 

My mind was in a 'worry' mode for 2 weeks straight, not exactly knowing how to keep myself calm. I know I look like I am exaggerating but really, I did had a tough time. The day before I left for KK, I had like million of things to do in the office and I remembered as I walked back to my cubicle after a discussion with the boss, my tears started to fall but...I said a little prayer and told myself to just deal with it. My friend asked me whether I am excited to go back home...I didn't even know what to say because I couldn't even find peace in my mind that the idea of going back home suddenly seems so...abrupt. Like I had to fly back home out of the sudden knowing at the back of my head that my job is still undone.  It's crazy how my worries can affect me so much that I just felt like it is the end of the world. Well anyway, everything's fine now though my main focus now is to really prepare my lecture stuff for my class and my portfolio for my MA study. The competition that I am handling is almost over, to be honest it didn't turned out that well according to my colleagues who attended the roadshow pffft. But all I can say is, it was an experience for me and also a good thing to learn handling a project. My boss, though she may tend to attack me with her claws, I am thankful to have her double-checking everything cos man, that woman can see every damn detail in everything. But seriously, thank you.

I personally felt it has been a challenging month (April) for me...it was during the Lent and Holy Week time that I felt God kept giving me test after test, just to see if I can fully trust in Him to overcome all my problems instead of relying to myself all the time. But what do you know, I just never learn my lesson *sigh* Putting too much pressure to myself, worrying on every single thing and not looking at the 'now' moment. I don't know why always feel like I don't want to trouble God by seeking Him when He is always willing to listen. Had this same situation a lot of times till the day a friend of mine sent a damn long email, throwing grenades at me. It was a dark time for me haha. I don't even know why I am so hard with myself, really and the fact that I always feel the need to solve my own problems without troubling other people. Oh well, life...when you're down, you need to pick yourself up again. It's been too long since I actually let my 'feelings' out here. I think it has come to the time for me to let it out and continue moving on with life. I think we all really need that 'time' to let go, be in another different place and put aside all your worries. I will eventually have a lot of worries again and probably even bigger stress...not really looking forward to that but I still have to face it. If you are in the same situation like me, all I can say is...take a time to say a little prayer, breathe in and out...then eventually things will turn out to be A-OK. My mom did told me that when you write about your feelings, letting it out...your head will definitely feel lighter :)

Re-starting my mind to the upcoming challenges in the month of May. Let's do this.

source: @khsotto

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