I just had my annual appraisal with my Division Head (DH) a week ago and while there wasn't any big issues, I've been told that this year, it seems like I was on a 'sleeping mode' Meaning, the things and tasks that I have promised my DH to complete is not completed yet. The new course that I was asked to develop from scratch hasn't seen much of a light yet and there's also the revamp of the course that I am currently handling...almost complete but definitely already passed the deadline. Although there are still so many pending tasks to finish, I do think I've been quite diligent with conducting all my classes and lessons in this semester and I really try to channel myself into being a positive person to my students, just so that they won't feel discouraged with their assignments. At least, that's something that I have been doing despite being a bad procrastinator.
I do feel disappointed in myself to be honest because I really don't like not being able to complete all these important tasks but I am aware and understand that it has been a challenging year for me and because of this, it kind of makes me lose my focus. All I do most of the time is to have self-pity and dwell with my sadness to the point that I could cry for days. It is just so bad for my mental health. This also led me to look at my own friends and made me wonder how could they still keep their head up and most importantly stay in good focus even though a whole lot of shit storm just came over them? How did they overcome it? Or how can they hide their sadness so well? Is it because I have so little faith in myself? (I think so), is it because I've not prayed enough? I don't know. The hardest part to deal with myself is definitely my own emotion and it really has been an issue that I've blogged about for so many times. Yet, I have not overcome it at all *sigh*
Earlier this year, my best friend and I were also planning to do a calendar project which I was so keen to start since I have more time after finishing my studies. We discussed, planned and finalised our ideas but alas I had to break the news to her earlier this month and informed her that I wasn't able to complete this project in due time. Again, I was super disappointed in myself for letting people down. I even promised to revive this blog but ended up not doing it. I just don't know what to do when I felt so disheartened by so many things this year. But I know for sure that I can't continue to be like this until the end of the year cos I would probably be more depressed when Christmas is here. So, I really need to get it together like for real. If I still can't be done dealing with my emotions, at least I have to put my focus on my work and all the important tasks that needs to be completed soon. Praying that I can do it (I know I can) and work on to better myself before the year ends. The emotional turbulence part will be another story for another day. I think it's gonna be a real long story to tell haha. Anyway, LET'S GET IT!